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| You'd think that after going through the same scenario over and over again so much that its the story of my life... I'd know to avoid it. Why can't I get it through my thick skull that he is not available. I have this problem with becoming infatuated with someone too quickly; in doing this I ruin the friendship and make it impossible for it ever to be normal again. Everyone crushes on celebrities and everyone has their dream guy- and I do too but rarely do I ever fall for the dream guy that everyone gushes for. I always seem to fall for the guy that my friends can't make sense of, the one that they can't understand why I am so tied to. It's kind of lame but I made a list of things that I would look for in a guy, just weird things like shows or music. List of my dream chico:
good sense of humor
should be able to make a good pot of coffee.
420 friendly haha.
LOVES LED ZEPPELIN is a must!
doesn't runaway everytime he feels frustrated.
can have a long conversation about nothing and everything accompanied by a nice cold beer and cigarette.
would drive to another state just to camp out and go to a concert of my favorite band.
I don't know what else to add...
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| I love how different types of genres in music bring different feelings. I've listening to folksy, acouticky music lately haha. I just love how its mellow and how the lyrics in them have real meaning and not just lyrics passed to the singer to sing without knowing what its about. I hate feeling like life keeps rushing through- I'm not looking forward to seeing whats at the finish line. It sounds kind of stupid...but I feel like when you're a regular student who has parents who take care of everything and you just live the regular after school life- like go out to parties in the weekend, go to the movies, go shopping, it all seems so meaningless now. After getting a job I can finally see what it takes to earn a dollar and everything else that people my age complain about just seems petty. Like for example, I cannot stand it when I hear them complain about how their parents are so annoying because they won't get them a new cellphone- seriously? I'm just glad I even have a cellphone. I feel so drained and tired. | | |
| I haven't miraculously recovered as a whole but I have retreated from my old habits and have become a more positive individual. I know I can't erase all my mistakes but with time all those memories tainted with what was making me choose the wrong path will fade and so will the scars. Theres no secret to learning how to recover from when you've become a calamity, a self-destroying entity. I had become my own worst enemy, my surroundings weren't the only ones swaying my own decisions but I also toyed with the idea of completely letting go, maybe commiting suicide- I thought I had nothing to lose but I was wrong. It wasn't an epiphany but more of me coming to terms and ending that old lifestyle that was taking me nowhere, I was getting to a crossroads and ultimately I had chosen the path that had a dead-end but luckily I had enough will to trace back my steps and choose what was right for me. I'm not saying I'm a whole new person because everyone has their own demons and eventually everyone takes a fall and I've had my fair share of battles with them. This isn't me writing goodbye but an entry that I can look back on me saying that that is a chapter in my life that has now come to an end. | | |
| And though he was never there- I knew he tried. It took me a long time to realize the true beauty in our dysfunctional friendship- that still remained though it was slowly falling apart, slowly its surface started to peel off and our true selves showed, we found out more and more about each other. painful things we kept from each other and stayed there still, pretending everything was fine when really we were there suffering in all the silence. if it's really meant to be then there shouldn't be so much struggle to keep it all together, but why does it feel like as you stray further and further apart it feels like your taking a part of me with you? Was it true that i could form a bond with someone that wasn't truly compatible at all? maybe we shouldn't have met at all, we didn't like each other at the start so what kept it going? still though...I feel like we are invisible beings...able to see through each other's self but we are not inseparable and once i found that I couldn't be without you i knew i had done wrong in pushing you away. | | |
| I know that writing about you only makes it worse. My brain holds on to the memories that are now long gone. I loved sitting next you in the bench outside school while we shared my headphones- cause you always forgot to charge your iPod. I'd always complain cause you'd change the song but I really liked it cause it brought us closer. I was falling for you and I didn't even notice, I was blind to see what was right in front of me. It aches and it hurts. I still see your face when I close my eyes, will I ever be free? You were the image of perfection in my eyes, I never saw any flaws. I failed to see that you were broken and that it wasn't my job to fix it. So now that I see you only from afar, I see you lost and lonely in that crowd you call your "friends" who have only pulled you down with them. But from time to time when i feel alone I like to remember the good times we had, the stupid jokes we shared ,that look in your eyes that was so special to me and that grin that you always wore when you tried to keep a straight face when you lied- it only made me smile and then you knew you were caught. I miss you *Chris and I hope you know that I will always be waiting here, for you to change your mind. | | |
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